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A plumber for my prostate?
The doctor’s surgery is a dangerous place for me. I am prone to hypochondria and am easily distracted.
As I waited for a check up, I saw the poster: 'Prostate cancer is the most common cancer in men in the UK'. I was immediately convinced that I could be next. But I know nothing about it. I grabbed a leaflet.
'The prostate gland is part of the male reproductive system. Its secretions help nourish the sperm and aid fertility.' I had a mental image of a small motorway service station, thousands of sperm wearing swimming trunks and goggles lined up with trays waiting for a bit of food and juice to help them on their way.
'It is the size and shape of a walnut.' Why did they have to use that to describe it? Why can’t they say it is the size of two and a half ladybirds? Just thinking about a walnut stuffed in the place where the sun doesn’t shine gives me the shudders. It’s enough to bring on a nut allergy. I had a quick look around for any leaflets on allergies. There were none so I stuck with the Prostate.
'It sits under the bladder and in front of the rectum.' Now I have worked in some messy places in my life, but nowhere as grim sounding as that.
'It starts a growth spurt at puberty and again when a man reaches his 40s.' Given that this is a time when men’s sex lives slow down, is there a link with possible prostate problems? Should I tell the missus that the more sex I get the more likely I am to avoid problems? But hang on, if she agrees will I be able to keep up? I don’t want any more back problems.
'Various hormones control its growth and function. The most important is the male sex hormone, testosterone.' Apparently, watching football produces testosterone so I could explain to the missus that Match Of The Day is good for maintaining a healthy prostate. But physical tasks can also produce it and I don’t want her to suggest gardening so maybe I will keep it to myself.
'The most common sign of a prostate problem is difficulty in passing urine.' Well that hasn’t happened to me yet.
What’s this? 'You might experience a weak flow?' Well, I had this problem with a tap in the bathroom once. 'Put your finger over the end of the tap and see if you can make it squirt,' the plumber advised. I don’t think that would work in the gents.
'Intermittency, Hesitancy, Frequency, Urgency'. Eee, how am I supposed to remember all this? I wonder if there is an App that I can get for the phone to record all this stuff.
'More than three-quarters of men diagnosed with prostate cancer now survive their disease beyond five years'. Well, that is better news and reassured me no end. I took a leaflet just in case and made a mental note to pay more attention to my toilet parts.
I wouldn’t mind, but I only went in to get my asthma checked.
- Follow John on Twitter
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The Men’s Health Forum need your support It’s tough for men to ask for help but if you don’t ask when you need it, things generally only get worse. So we’re asking. In the UK, one man in five dies before the age of 65. If we had health policies and services that better reflected the needs of the whole population, it might not be like that. But it is. Policies and services and indeed men have been like this for a long time and they don’t change overnight just because we want them to. It’s true that the UK’s men don’t have it bad compared to some other groups. We’re not asking you to ‘feel sorry’ for men or put them first. We’re talking here about something more complicated, something that falls outside the traditional charity fund-raising model of ‘doing something for those less fortunate than ourselves’. That model raises money but it seldom changes much. We’re talking about changing the way we look at the world. There is nothing inevitable about premature male death. Services accessible to all, a population better informed. These would benefit everyone - rich and poor, young and old, male and female - and that’s what we’re campaigning for. We’re not asking you to look at images of pity, we’re just asking you to look around at the society you live in, at the men you know and at the families with sons, fathers and grandads missing. Here’s our fund-raising page - please chip in if you can.
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